I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
