I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
