Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
