so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
