if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
