you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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