you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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