really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
