We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
