"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need to align my fucking chakras
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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