I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
