whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
