Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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