Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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