I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
