Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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