I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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