a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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