Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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