If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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