Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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