Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
