I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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