i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
