my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
