I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
