I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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