You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
