We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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