you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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