I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
