Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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