I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
