just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
