For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
