So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
