hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
