the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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