I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
