Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
