i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
