Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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