I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
