this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
