I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
