Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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