Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
