Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
