I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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