i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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