EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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